No word today. I'm too lazy to find one. Sorry. I'll do two next time to make up for it. Yeah. Anyway...it's 11:30 and I'm still not done with my research paper. Go me. My mom is freaking out as usual giving her "you spend too much time on the internet" speech. ::sigh:: Half the time I'm away so it's not like I'm talking to people anyway. She should see how much some of you are on there. You make me look good. ::sigh::

Went to Troy today. Twas fun. Good movie...not something I would have seen otherwise and something I most likely will never see again but hey, I got to miss school so it was cool. We're going to Dorney on Friday. I don't really want to go. The playing part will be fun but after that it'll suck. I just know it. I'm going to get stuck walking around with someone I either don't like or don't know. There's no good rides there...only a water park and I have issues with those. Sorry, but I'm not as slutty as you all think and don't like wearing summery crap. Especially to Dorney. I'll be with the skinniest girls on the planet...I am not wearing a bathing suit so I can feel horrible all day because they're skinny and I'm not. Grr. I hate pretty, skinny people. They bother me. Go die. No one likes you.

Sorry if that last paragraph makes me sound really shallow but don't you dare tell me you've never felt like that at least once in your life even if not the same situation.

Incubus n. (nky-bs) An evil spirit believed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women as they sleep.

No, I did not come up with that word on my own. Believe it or not, it was in one of the stories we had to read for English. "The Wife of Bath." It's about this knight who rapes this girl and then gets sent to court. The only way he can save himself is to tell the queen what women most desire. An old crone gives him the answer and in return he has to marry her. She turns into a beauty at the end ((of course)) and "pleasures" him. I swear that's what the book says. I just thought it was so interesting that there was such a thing as an incubus. I wonder why the band would name themselves after that. Though I have to say it's kind of cool. I love figuring out where bands get their names. Like Nirvana and Incubus and Evanescence and Yellowcard. They're just normal words but we're so used to hearing them that we don't think of them as words anymore. It's pretty wicked stuff.

Anyway...I'm loving the responses I got from my last entry. They made me laugh actually. You guys are so deep. I wasn't thinking of any of the stuff you said when I wrote that. I was thinking of something so small and trivial that I'm laughing just thinking about how stupid I was. I guess you guys aren't ready for my writing just yet. Heh. For some reason, I find it easier to write when I'm upset over something so most of my poetry and such is quite dark. ::insert evil looking darkish looking smileyish thing:: lol. Yeah, I'm feeling a little crazy right now. Don't know why. I think it's because today was just an overall funny day. It was mostly just me and Michelle because Cori and Katie were at Teen Arts. ((curse them...all those college guys...lol)) So me and Michelle walked around during lunch and passed the Hippie quite a bit. Around are seventh time walking past him, he coughed and said "Stalkers." Like a "::cough::Stalkers!::cough::" It was sooo funny. And when we had been walking by him before, we overheard him say "Big muscles" to his friend which was hilarious because we have this ongoing joke/theory that he is unhappy with his body image and wants big muscles...he goes to the weight room and looks longingly at the guys with the big muscles, that's why that started. Quite an interesting lunch. And then I got home and was planning on going to the lax game to see Melissa Shube but couldn't because my mom was afraid it was going to rain and she wasn't going to be home. Nerr. It's okay...I got to talk to Cori and show her my notes. Speaking of which, I told Michelle I would post them so here they are:

Greetings! I'm sooo excited for the NYC museum trip! Mad fit of passion among the Holocaust remains! And then we can go to the golf range afterwards. I will wear my brother's sexy yellow golf clothes.~The Altar Boy

Michelle has this theory that the Hippie and Altar Boy are golfers because they wear "golf clothes". And this was written before Michelle realized that the Altar Boy wouldn't be going on the NYC trip. The Hippie, however, will be. Hehe.

Now that I wear glasses I can actually see you! As a matter of fact, I saw you about seven times today. I tried to send you my "come hither" look except you ignored it. Would you pay attention to me if I talked in a British accent? --The Hippie

The Hippie was wearing glasses for the first time today so we just HAD to put them in a note. And the British accent is referring to my fetish with British accents. lol.

You're never in the weight room anymore! Who is supposed to watch me get big muscles? I can't see them cause I'm blind so I need you to tell me! --The Hippie

See above for explanation

Stop right now thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch. Take your human touch and pleasure me becuase my human sight sucks. --The Hippie

Hahaha...The Spice Girls....hahahaha. That's what we listened to at Cori's party...the Spice Girls. And Hanson. ::shudder:: Quite scary.

There's another note but I can't post it because...yeah. I just can't. lol.

So. Onto better things. Went to Cori's on Friday. Twas very fun. She loved our gift and my card. My card was the BEST!!! Hehehehe. I'm so evil when I want to be. But she laughed at it so it's all good. I'm very proud of that card. Hehehe. We listened to all this old music like I mentioned and then they just HAD to watch Spice World. I fell asleep as soon as they started it...I just could not sit through two hours of them and their songs and ::shudder:: The trama of it all. Sorry, but I never liked the Spice Girls. Or Hanson. I was such a rebel. Still am, actually. My mommy always tells me I'm a rebel without a cause. Which I never thought was true, but am beginning to believe it is. I don't like doing things just because everyone else is doing it and I don't like watching things because it's popular. Like I refuse to watch The OC. And I wouldn't go see Dirty Dancing and now I won't go see Mean Girls and I won't listen to Britney Spears or Xtina or Beyonce or 50 Cent. I love stuff no one has ever heard of. Like Eisley and Something Corporate and Blindside and Blake Holsey High. I like being different, I guess.

And now I have to go finish my "bloody" paper ((hehe...British word)). Blessed Be~

Tittup intr.v. (ttp) To move in a lively capering manner; prance

Tee hee hee. Fun word. Tittup. Hehe. Makes me think of Legolas from LOTR. Because he tittups and prances and nances. Hehe.

Ok onto better things. Well, not better, but different. Whatever. I'm very restless. Very...iono. I started crying today for no reason at all. No, that's a lie. There was a reason. But I'm not going to share it because well, anyone can read this. And don't any of you try to guess it in the comments please. Because you're probably wrong. I feel like I'm hiding. Like I'm living a lie. During science today I started writing furiously what I was feeling. I don't think it makes sense but it's all I have at the moment to try to explain myself.

I'm living a lie. I wear a mask hoping no one will see who I really am-what I'm really feeling. I play along with all their theories-a puppet for all to control. I am trapped, trying desperately to convince them I don't care. Trying even harder to convince myself. But I know it's a lie. I know I'm as fake as those girls I hate so much-just in a different way. In my head I have a reason for my deception. It's because the truth hurts to much. The rejection is too much for me to bear. If I lie, that rejection won't hurt so bad. But I can't go on much longer like this. I'm finding it harder and harder to let it go. To get it out of my head. It haunts me every second of the day and torments me in my dreams at night. But as long as I'm being rejected I will hide behind my mask. It's safer there. Away from all the hurt and pain that faces the real world.

I just reread that and I was right. It makes no sense. Oh well. It entertained me during science. That's always a good thing.

And I can't even write a real entry because I have to go practice trombone so what I should really do is delete this entry and start over later or tomorrow. But whatever. I needed to get that out. I want to write about something else too but it will have to wait. Like so many other things in my life. Or nonexistant life. ::sigh:: Haha...I sound like such an emo kid in this entry. I'll try not to do that again guys. Blessed Be~((By the way, "Blessed Be" is what Wiccans say when they greet each other or say good-bye to each other...not just a random phrase I came up with.))

Quixotic adj. (kwk-stk) Caught up in the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality

Today's word should satisfy you Michelle. Though I know that's hard to do. ((Acording to Tim anyway...haha)).

It's raining. Storming, to be more accurate. I love rain. But it makes me so lazy. I want to go downstairs and watch movies the whole night and not do anything. Either that or read my book. Oh man, my book is soo good. It's yet another Tamora Pierce book ((who is, by the way, the best author to ever walk this Earth)) called First Test. It is the first book in the Protector of the Small series. It's actually a lot like the Song of the Lioness Quartet which is about Alanna, the first woman to become a knight. In Protector of the Small, Keladry ((Kel for short)) becomes the second lady knight. I loooove it. I love Tamora Pierce. She's such an amazing author. It's unbelievable. I want to write like her. I want to be her. I will publish a book sometime in my life and  I can only hope it will end up as good as all of hers. Ok, enough of that.

Today was quite boring actually. And so unbearably hot. I hate the summer. I hate the bugs that come with it...espcially the mosquitoes. I hate the heat. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I hate it. Winter is so much more peaceful and fragile and magical. Then there's summer and it just gets so horrible out. You can always get warmer but you can never get cooler. Grr. The only good part about summer is vacation. I'm going to Florida for a month this year...two weeks without my parents. I'm sooo excited. The only bad thing is my cousins Anthony and Michael aren't coming again this year. They used to always come with us and my grandparents but last year they didn't because my aunt's mom was sick and now again this year they aren't coming. So the only other person there will be Nicole...my second cousin who's 14 and in 8th grade. We'll have fun, I don't doubt that but...Nicole's very...iono. She gets on my nerves. She's one of those bitchy girls that I normally wouldn't talk to. Like Amy Storebeck from our gym class. But Nicole's not that bad. She's just very...unaccepting, for lack of a better word, of other people. Very judgemental. Very "look at me". Ah well, I'll deal. It's not like I'll be with her all the time anyway. And I don't think she's coming till my second week there so I'll have a week to myself. Yay.

Ooo, I forgot to write about something else. I'm going away somewhere else during Memorial Day weekend. Guess where. SALEM, MA!!!! It was my idea, of course and I'm sooo excited. Aunt Joyce and Jo are coming too so it'll be great. They have all these museums in Salem about the witch trials and witches in general. Oh man, I can't wait. I want to see everything. I want to go to the place where people were burned. I want to hear stories and see reenactments of trials ((which they do have)). I want to know all about it. I love Wicca and everything about it. It's just so...amazing. Charmed made me first interested in Wicca. I reserached it for my 8th grade reserach paper and learned more about it from that. It's so interesting. I love believing that there is magic and good in the world. Yes, I know that's what Jesus is about too but...iono. There just seems to be so much Wicca has to offer. No, I'm not rejecting Christianity. I still love my religion. But Wicca is cool too. What I really want is to go to a coven and watch one of their rituals or something. I have yet to find a close coven though. I don't know any Wiccans. I used to know one actually. She was in my acting class but she quit because she didn't get the part she wanted. I don't even remember her name. Too bad. I bet she was in a coven.

I'm sure half of you have stopped reading because I'm rambling and boring you to death. Sorry. But I want to have meaningful entries again. Deep entries. Entries that reveal who I really am and what I really want. My old xanga used to be like that. I want my old xanga back. I know I could just start it up again. But would all of you follow me back there? And I don't know. That xanga was like...all...depressing. It was a time where I wasn't myself, persay. I was still new at everything...high school and what not. It was more of a haven than this one is. Though I love this one now too. I love my layout. I'm so pleased with it. Not too happy with the music but I can't find anything else. Any suggestions? Leave some in the comments.

And now, I should go finish my homework because I have to go out in a half hour to my mommy's school. They're having a ziti dinner to raise money for one of the mother's of the school. Her son goes...he's three I think...but she has breast cancer pretty bad. This money will go towards her medical bills. Come by and support. It's at Transfiguration Nursery School on Two Bridges Road, I think. Till later. Blessed Be~